American Idol Psychics

Tonight we’ll learn who will be our American Idol 2011. Who else is excited for the results show?

CK: Hi, Donnaleigh! How excited are you?

DL: OMG. I can hardly wait to hear who wins…the tension is killing me! At work today, there was division on who might win…many seem to say Lauren….some are divided like me.

CK: I know! It’s a good feeling of suspense, though, because I’ll be happy no matter who wins.

CK: The day got away from me. I haven’t packed for my trip yet! All my clothes are clean, though, and my suitcases are down from the attic. I just called the taxi and arranged for my ride to the airport. Still, I’m feeling a little edgy because I’m not ready to walk out the door yet! I like to be prepared well in advance.

CK: I wasted a lot of time today trying to get my iPod synced up with my latest podcasts. You’re a podcast expert. Why won’t my old podcasts go away? I’ve been trying and trying to delete old shows and put new ones on the device, but I finally gave up.

CK: While you try to get your TV to turn on or brew tea or whatever it is you’re doing, I pulled a card for my iPod problem. It’s the King of Wands. To me, that reveals a sad, hard truth: I harbor hidden resentments toward the inventor of the iPod, and that energy is interfering with my love and acceptance of Apple technology.

DL: Do you upload your stuff through iTunes? You can manually delete them.

CK: Yes, I do! I do everything properly! And yet, I am thwarted.

DL: I will admit, iTunes is possessed.

CK: Well, I pulled a second card for my Kindle, which does what I want it to do: the Two of Pentacles. There is balance in my electronic life.

DL: iTunes has managed to merge my son’s music with my podcasts. He is not happy with me. I end up manually downloading show by show with WiFi instead of in bulk through the iTunes thing-a-ma-boo.

CK: I think when I get back from my trip, my only option is to delete everything from my iPod and start clean. Ugh. I just dread that option, though, because some of the stuff on the devie is burned from CDs. I worry that I’ll have to find those CDs again. Ugh, ugh, double-ugh. Maybe I can find someone who does iTunes technical support, and pay them to help me!

DL: If you search a show on the iTunes website, you can then see the listing of episodes by date and pick only the ones you want. And then you can delete them right off the iPod by sliding your finger on the show title when you’re done. Oh, be sure to check out the podcast called “Stuff You Missed in History Class.” FUN!!!  And “How Stuff Works (.com)”.

CK: I’ll check it out. Woop! Just one minute until Idol starts!

DL: I won’t see Steven Tyler televised for a long, long, sad, lonely time after this.*sniffle*

CK: I hadn’t thought of that. Yes, you will be sad.

DL: Oh! And Happy World Tarot Day!

CK: Happy WTD to you, too! By the way, what are we supposed to eat on World Tarot Day? It’s not a real holiday unless there’s special snacks and food.

DL: Well, I just happen to know about this great deck called the Epicurean Tarot (did I spell that right?) with tarot recipes you can use today!

CK: Huh. I did that so long ago I didn’t even think of that. Here I could have been promoting “Wheel of Fortune Pizza” to the entire tarot world!

CK: Here’s the show! Ryan is saying 122 million votes came in last night — and 3/4 BILLION votes rolled in over the course of the entire season. Wow.

CK: Your boyfriend Steven looks good tonight.

DL: Why yes, he does! As long as you don’t try to comb his hair, lol. OH WOW! Don’t Scotty and Lauren look smashing in white?

CK: They look like a toothpaste commercial. In a good way.

DL: LOL!! Funny! Oh, is this actually Gaga? Oh  ….it’s all the previous contestants, all in white!!

CK: Look at that gorgeous Pia. They all look lovely.

DL: All in white and silver. I LOVE Pia’s dress!! It’s up to there! But not as short as Haley’s short-shorts!

CK: Julia (age 9) and I are debating the difference between “performing” and “showing off.” She has a spring concert tomorrow, and she’s insisting that she won’t dance like “the girl with the big hair.”

DL: LOL! I hope she shakes her groove thang!

CK: A few hand gestures and choreographed steps would be very entertaining for the assembled parents and grandparents, I think.

DL: Maybe they can get the grandparents to boogie in the aisles?

CK: Not to be all Debbie Downer or anything, but the last time I went to one of her school concerts, the mom sitting next to me was bombed out of her skull — and the show was at 10:30 in the morning! She was whooping it up pretty good.

DL: Maybe it was left-over from the night before? You know…3 of Cups and all?

CK: I suspect it was a somewhat continual state for her. Sadz, really.

DL:: Oh, James Durbin is wearing my hat!  And he’s singing a Judas Priest song! Rocker!

CK: You look cuter in that hat than he does.

DL: I could use that vest…I like it. Is he singing with the original Judas Priest guy? Oh…now HE has studs poking up out of his coat, like a rottweiler!

CK: Yes, that’s the band! The grandfathers of rock ‘n’ roll, at this point.

DL: What a dream come true for James! And he is dong a great job! Hmmmm…I wonder if I can convince him to shave his underarms like Steven Tyler?

DL:  (Corrine leaves a strange silence…)  lol

CK: I’m actually listening to my girls criticize James. This will break your heart, but they think he looks like he bought his clothes at Walmart, trying to look cool.

DL: LOL, maybe he did! I just pulled a card for the energy of tonight’s show. I got the 10 of Cups! What do you get?

CK: I like your happy family card much better than the Knight of Wands I pulled. Mine doesn’t even make sense. He’s a spiritual explorer who’s not afraid to go underground. What does that have to do with American Idol? That’s just dumb.

DL: He is climbing to the top of the mountain, trying to claim it first…whoever puts their flag up first WINS! Does he look like a chubby Scotty to you?

CK: No, I see him in much more elemental terms. He’s a salamander. He’s scuttling around in the dark. Is something devious going on behind the scenes? IS THIS SHOW FIXED? I’m beginning to muster a sense of outrage here. Talk me out of it, Donnaleigh!

DL:  :::THUD!::::   (that was me hitting the floor)

CK: Let’s just go with your card.

DL: I just have to interject there…I think Gladys Knight (KNIGHT!!!) looks so beautiful. There’s your Knight.

CK: I’ll take it! That interpretation totally works, if you substitute the word “soul” for the “spirit” that I normally associate with Wands. You’re a genius, DL!

DL: Gladys and Jacob have exactly the same smile. The scandal here is that they are long long secret relatives, and they kept it underground…..  gasp!!

CK: I like this cell phone commercial where the woman freaks out because the photo of the spider is so realistic.

DL: I see that every night this show is on and we laugh. My son gets distracted from his computer games each time…y’no…screaming and all (her, not him).

CK: Apparently, we’re all just easily amused.

DL: I miss the early shows where we got to see the judges really converse. Now they say 2 sentences. I’m having Steven withdrawal DT’s already.

DL: Here is your sweetheart, Casey, and he is singing with…. ??Jack Black???  He’s a singer??  This reminds me of the Blues Brothers for some reason. lol

CK: OMG. This is awful. Embarrassing. Shameful. Why, Casey, why?

DL: Is Jack Black his idol?

CK: Casey is so much better than that. I’m feeling sick. It was all a shameless plug for Jack Black’s new movie. Ugh.

DL: Which my son just asked me if I’d take him to see.   :-/

DL: OH! All the ladies of Idol, and they are wearing sexy RED!  Haley has only one garter on. This is fun! Put a ring on it! Oh, my…I barely recognized the Diana Ross diva girl…she straightened her hair and added extensions!

CK: I was just going to ask you who that was. It’s like they snuck in someone new!

DL: I had to stare for a minute! Look at Pia belting out this fast tune!

DL: Here comes Beyonce! The Queen of Wiggle!

CK: I liked her hand-on-the-hip pose she struck as she was lifted on stage. We should practice that one for ourselves.

DL: Hey, great idea, Corrine! That would make a great logo for next year!

CK: I’m kind of resentful of black women who color their hair blonde. I feel like they’re stealing my culture.

DL: Oh, poo. I got a perm in the 80′s.  LOL

CK: Thief! Wait, I had perms all through the 80s, too. Okay. Never mind.

DL: lol. I love when women experiment with hair colors, styles, length.  I love transformation. Magic.

CK: Wait a minute! Rewind! Did I just see a commercial for bathroom wipes that said, “Get fresh with a friend?”

DL: I was just going to ask you about that. My jaw about hit the floor. Hunh???

CK: Hooray! They’re doing a Steven Tyler tribute for you. That will get our minds off of that disturbing commercial break.

DL: OMG I am roaring!!! LOL!  These are freaking great!!! Oh, I am cracking up. And my favorite line…”What’s with the ju-ju-bees on  your oo-oo-bees?” LOL

DL: Hey! Tony Bennett and Haley! This is SO GOOOOOOOOD!

CK: My ex-husband photographed him once, and said he was one of the nicest people he’d ever met.

DL: Is that right? He is a legend. Haley is doing so great!! I have chills! Like J-Lo said, you can’t buy those!

CK: She should release an album of standards like this.

DL: I would SO be buying those. Oh, he is celebrating his 85th birthday this year!!!  Cowabunga!

DL: Now a tribute to Jennifer Lopez, cute! WHOA! Steven’s BELLY!  (rewind!)

CK: Her husband is so homely.

DL: He has those allergy shiners…always looks tired.

CK: I have a cheeseburger in my purse that could fix him right up.

DL: Yeah, some iron…he looks anemic. Who are these people singing? I’m not impressed, terribly, but wow…I am floored by that woman’s 6-pack abs. On a woman, who’da thunk?

CK: They’re the surviving members of TLC. Always wear your seatbelts, kids!

DL: Ohhhh…wow. No kidding.

DL: LOL Ryan said, “Niiiice abs!”

CK: My daughter just snorted when he said it.

DL: Oh boy! Scotty and Tim McGraw! They are singing “Live Like You are Dying.” Tim is in great shape. But I have to say this…Scotty is BLOWING HIM AWAY. Superb voice.

CK: He is better than Tim McGraw! Okay, where’s the obligatory audience shot of Tim’s wife, Faith Hill?

DL: Yes! Where is Faith?? And where are Tim’s eyes? I can’t see them with the shadow of his hat hovering over them…

CK: That’s how you know he’s a dangerous bad boy. Don’t let him buy you a drink.

DL: Ohhhh….very alluring. He looks handsome when I get brief glimpses …

CK: Hey, have you ever posted a photo of your husband on FB?

DL: Are you kidding me? Oh…I thought you meant Steven. lol.   I think I did once, my hubby. He is very camera shy. Very, very good to me.

CK: I was just curious, because I realized I don’t know what he looks like. I see your type, though, now that you’ve ooh’d and ahh’d over these tall, skinny guys on Idol.

DL: I like the bad boys. But only for 5 minutes. I don’t tolerate them for long in real life. Mine has a bad boy vibe, but  is a sweet marshmallow. He does look mighty fine on his Harley, though.

CK: Oh, they’re bringing Lion King back to theaters! I liked that movie a lot when it first came out. I like the Elton John songs.

DL: If you get to see the Broadway version of it…don’t miss! I saw it twice…it is faaaabulous. Incredible. So creative. So much talent.

CK: Did you see it in New York, or did you see the traveling show?

DL: Once in New York, once in Connecticut. When I saw it in NYC it was only out 2 days, and I bought tickets before there were any reviews. What a grand surprise!!

DL: My son is watching the old reruns of the bad singers from the try-outs in the early episodes from this season….he said, “Is this a time-filler?”  LOL

DL: Ok…Marc Anthony is singing. And J-Lo is not in her seat…will she join him? Hey, this dude can sing!

CK: I do like his style of singing. Unfortunately, it usually makes me hungry, because it reminds me of the music they play at my favorite Mexican restaurant. Another Margarita, please! And more chips and salsa?

DL: Oh,, no. Now I’m hungry, too. (I love this dancing!). I want salsa. The kind you dip into. With chips.

CK: There’s your J-Lo!

DL!!     She is seducing him!

CK: Could she be any sexier?

DL: Holy cow…she is amazing. And she said she is careful about never showing her thighs. I am seeing very beautiful thighs.

CK: I like this drummer a lot, too. She’s hot.

DL: Ok. I wanna be J-Lo. That was wild!! She knows how to flip her hair like a maniac! Love it!

DL: They are joking about the shocking eliminations, Casey getting  eliminated twice, “It’s like they hate you twice…they vote you off, let you back off, then vote you off again…yeah, you really do suck. ”  LOL  Funny! My T keeps freezing like a computer. Are you seeing this normally?

CK: Yes. Technology is my friend, remember? Except when it comes to iPods.

DL: I take it Stephano is singing. I see a still of his face. No sound.

CK: The boys are singing, “You don’t have to be beautiful,” a la Prince and what’s-his-name.

CK: Now Mr. Smarmy is singing, “She’s a Lady.”

DL: Smarmy is on? My tv just went black. New TV, bought  just for Idol. I guess the season is 1 hour from being over, so the warranty must be up.

CK: Turn it on and off again.

CK: I mean, off and on again.

CK: Now they’re singing, “What’s New Pussycat.” Aren’t these all Tony Bennet songs?

DL: Tom Jones did the Pussycat thing, right? Was it a remake? Man, I’m going to have to catch these performances on YouTube in the morning.

CK: Yes, Tom Jones. You’re right. Because he did the Prince song, too. Do you need to move to a different room of your house?

DL: I may…let me check with “The Man” to see if his gets the show.

CK: Here comes Tom Jones!

DL: He still looks pretty good! We just  took it off of High Definition. The old fashioned version works much better. At least I got to see J-Lo shimmy in hi-def before the tv blew.

CK: Sometimes you just need to re-boot the box. That’s a hassle, though, and it can take a while.

DL: Technology. Feh.  I need a snack. heh.

DL: OK, finally, they are focusing on the final 2. Scotty and Lauren. They each invited their favorite teacher to the finale. They each got a key to a brand new Ford Focus! How cool is that???  Ryan said, “You have hot teachers!” LOL

DL:   !!OH!! Scotty and Lauren also got keys to any Ford vehicle they want!!

CK: Nice all around.

DL: Now Lady Gaga is sining! What a costume, and she is high, high up on this thing…looks like the Lion King where Simba was offered up when he was a cub! Her voie is so BIG!

DL: And she just pulled the Cher move and ripped off the black robe to don a bikini. Is that a piano up there with her? She is up scary-high. Should we change the ratings of this show?   Whoops! They jumped off into a great abyss!

CK: I hope they’re okay.

DL: Lauren is singing a Carrie Underwood song, I wonder….is her voice still off from that blown vocal cord? OH!! There is Carrie! Can she ever sing! And she glitters!  Carrie is really, really good! And the judges are all dancing in their seats!

CK: This morning, I kind of wondered if maybe Lauren was lip-syncing her performance last night. They would have had tapes of her from the dress rehearsal.

DL: OH!! There is the scandal you wondered about!  Gasp!

CK: I know!

CK: But would that technically be cheating? Since it was her own singing, from earlier in the day?

DL: I would say, yes, because it’s the live glitches they have to work through when we watch them to vote. I say “Scandal!”

CK: My daughter said she heard that they were *thisclose* to calling in the #3 girl to replace Lauren last night, because they didn’t think she could go on.

CK: And all of this is total rumor-mongering and conjecture, of course.

DL: Imagine that! Haley back out to compete with Scotty! Whoa, huh?

CK: Beyonce bored me so much I went and played on Facebook for a minute. Were you watching me or her?

DL: I was on my own Facebook page, and came back to see you on FB too, lol.

CK: I guess neither one of us wants to make love to Beyonce, like she’s asking us to.

DL: I suppose not. I was into the Marc Anthony/Jennifer Lopez routine, though. I’d watch that again. And again.

CK: They’d better bring this show back up to speed, because Beyonce almost lost me with that last performance. Let’s go, Idol! Pick up the pace!

DL: We’ll know in 15 minutes which Idol rules the world. What is this Spiderman thing??

CK: Another paid product placement, apparently. With Bono. Wait. That’s not Bono. What the heck?

CK: Oh, there he is. Hooray. Still bored.

DL: Ok…so I just pulled a card to describe this. Get this…the 5 of Wands…reversed! So it looks like hands holding up matches (Bic lighters) at a concert! Imagine this reversed (or stand on your head)… Do you think fire codes would allow this today?

CK: I see it! Plus the wands themselves look kind of like the spiderweb backdrop they’re beaming on stage.

CK: Why did J-Lo just try to unmask Spiderman? That was awkward.

DL: You don’t take the mask off his face, you don’t spit into the wind, and  you don’t mess around with Jim.

CK: They just showed a Diet Coke commercial, and I myself am drinking a Diet Coke! What an incredible coincidence!

DL: It’s a sign!

DL: (About what, is the mystery)

CK: It’s a sign that I am in tune with the universe, and that I revel in the sparkling effervescence of the nectar of the gods!

DL: OH! LOOK! Steven Tyler is missing, and they said they have a little surprise!!!!!

CK: I didn’t know he could sing AND play the piano.

DL: His father was a classical pianist. They had a tiny living room with a full-sized grand piano. Steven would crawl inside it while his father played classical music. He said it was a magical escape.

CK: I didn’t know that, but I did know he was a musician. I was trying to get your goat. I failed.

DL: He has a full symphony playing…and look at Jennifer just about dropping out of her seat dancing! He is the Demon of Screamin’!

CK: He must have a healthy diet, too, because his tongue was perfectly pink all the way back. No gross white fuzz from too much sugar.

DL: He said he doesn’t want to be an “old, fat rock star.” Oh! Spider commercial alert again!

DL: My computer says 10:00, and we still don’t know the winner.

CK: Mine says 9:01. What is going on here? More scandal and dirty tricks, that’s what I think.

DL: I was hoping we’d see Steven shimmy, scantily clad. Oh…here comes the showdown…they have Scotty & Lauren here:

CK: She’s wearing an ugly Lawrence Welk dress again.

CK: And this year’s American Idol is …

DL: The envelope (is she wearing cowboy  boots?)

CK: Scotty!

DL: See? The Wizards gave him the WORLD card last night. But Lauren also got two great cards, so she’s no slump, here, she will ove on to great things. Scotty WONNNNN!

CK: I had him pegged up until last night.

CK: His dad looks stunned.

DL: And Lauren is smiling, not crying. Wonderful! Congratulations, Scotty!!!  He is singing now… I am so happy he WON!

CK: I’m happy, too. And thank you so much for blogging with me this season! You made it so much more fun.

DL: Thank you so much for asking me to join you, Corrine, this was a blast! And guess what….remember you sent me a prototype deck and then I got the publisher’s deck a day or two later? Well, it is that prototype deck that carried me through and kept doubling up your own cards in your hands at home. It loves its momma. Thank you!

CK: Aw, that’s sweet!

CK: Well, I guess that wraps it up for now. I’ll see you on Facebook, Donnaleigh!

DL: You got it, Corrine, thank you again! ::waves goodbye in confetti as Scotty tries to catch them like snowflakes.”

CK: <—Waves back. Bye!

Filed under: American Idol